The Man in the Mirror of Play By Mail

It has been said that all good things must end.

When you ponder the end of life, itself, then the end of play by mail gaming seems to draw the short straw of interest. As I grow older and older and older (still not old, technically, yet), my thoughts and my gaze shift. Not that play by mail gaming ever suffered from a shortage of distractions. Hell, distractions were the one area that PBM gaming always managed to log a net surplus.

No matter what, I always seem to manage to lose my way. Perhaps that is my true destiny, my ultimate calling - to ever remain lost, to ever personify the concept. Just when the footing seems true, I slip and fall again into the abyss.

All progress halted. All hope abandoned.

Theories have been advanced. Theories have been tested. Yet, all has been for naught - or so it seems. With all light extinguished - the light of desire, a desire to continue on, I have flailed about in what some whisper to themselves in their moments of quietest solitude as "the real world." Even still, I manage to find my way back here.

Not just to this website. not just to this forum. But, to this section, even to the very button which allows me to archive this moment of thought.

Through it all, from beneath the ashes of all that lies in ruin, one things is certain - and that is that of all things that I bring to this contest that is play by mail gaming, the one thing that I do not bear and bring forth is certainty.

One minute, everything is going fine. The next, and all momentum has collapsed. Far from a blessing to play by mail gaming, I am a curse. No doubt, even now, many are they that rise in applause of this one statement.

Just join some games, I told myself. Go on, just give it a try. Invariably, sickness followed. In days gone by, games were a reprieve from the miseries that occasional bouts with sickness would bring. They could even destroy monotony. Boredom dared not go toe to toe with PBM games, for fear it would be swiftly vanquished!

Not so, now.

Publishing a magazine becomes a chore.

Or does it?

Suspense & Decision only works, when there is decision to go long with the suspense. Publication of nothing generates no enthusiasm. It inspires nothing! Yet, what is a fellow to do? What does one do, when that man in the mirror simply won't cooperate?

And, so, now you know. I am lost in my own mirror of thought, a mirror universe where play by mail is no more. Has it ever even existed there, at all? Honestly, I'm just not sure.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what we've tried, what we've given a go at. It doesn't matter who has said what, who has thought what, nor even who has done what. The Rubicon materializes, anew.

Taunting me.

Daring me to cross it, once more. Whispering to me that before was only an illusion. Screaming at me that all was for naught!

So much to do. So much that needs to be done. Yet, here I sit, writing. Just jotting down thoughts as they come to me.

Saying nothing. Thinking nothing. Doing nothing.

Like I said, all good things must end.

I'm done.

I no longer care.

I don't care about what we tried, about what succeeded or what failed. I don't care what anyone wanted. I don't even care about what I wanted.

Hell, for that matter, I don't even know what I wanted.

What was I thinking? What was I hoping? What was I reaching for?

I am in a funk from which there is no escape. I should be ashamed of myself, for even polluting this forum with this sorry excuse for a posting. What a wretched excuse for a thread about play by mail gaming!

This is babble, not gaming!

For you, though, it is probably akin to a message in a bottle. You had hoped for a life pod, some sign that I escaped, and that the magazine could go on, anew. Either that or you had hoped - fervently hoped - that I would not be heard from, again.

Or something else.

So much time spent, so much effort expended.

Really?!

Surely, I didn't just say that. Surely, I didn't just post that.

It doesn't even amount to a mere drop in a bucket.

Who am I trying to kid?

When I stare in a mirror, I get no answers. The mirror that I stare the most frequently into, the mirror that I stare the deepest into, is the one located in my own mind's eye.

After all, you don't need a real mirror, just to stare into one.

Just like you don't need a real game, to be entertained by one.

Honestly, I just sit here with my face in my hands, when I ponder what to do about it all. I can't save PBM. Hell, people, I can't even save myself!

Melodrama. False crisis. Much ado about nothing!

So, I am going to step out of this pile of manure of my own creation, and I am going to go on a journey. Know, that I do sincerely appreciate the time that you have given me, the interest that you have shown, both in this website and in the magazine and in this shared interest that is our hobby of play by mail gaming.

But, the time has come to move on. The time has come for me to head down a new path, for me to take a new route. Destination? Nowhere.

Suspense & Decision is dead.

It always has been.

It was still born.

All this time, we were all simply pretending.

I miss Paper Mayhem. I still miss Flagship. I can't really say that I miss Suspense & Decision.

My thumb began twitching, when I wrote that, just now. Life remains full of irony, it seems, even at this late date, even at this late hour of the night.

By the way, did I mention that we have a solar eclipse coming up? From what little that I understand, it will probably be the best one in my lifetime that remains.

Not sure if I will participate. You might want to check it out, though. I hear that it will be quite the show.

Me? I'll be here, accomplishing nothing. Who knows? If we're lucky, maybe I can get the final issue of Suspense & Decision out the door by then. If so, then it will give you something to read, when the sun goes out.

The final issue.

If you have something that you would like to be included in this issue, then send it to me at my new e-mail address of: charlesmosteller@protonmail.com

There is no publication date. Just whenever I get around to it.

Take care!

God bless you, one and all!

Grim, if Suspense and Decision brings you no joy, it's not worth it to continue. I for one will be saddened by its departure, but a labour of love with no love, is just labour.

Life is too short to do anything but what makes you happy.

Be happy and be well.

Grim,
Thank you for those issues of Suspense and Decision that you shared with the PBeM community. In my opinion, your efforts have helped PBeM gaming.

I hope to encounter you in future PBeM games. I think that you would make a loyal ally or an honorable enemy.

I agree with what everyone has said. I'll miss reading Suspense and Decision, but I couldn't enjoy it knowing that you're suffering to publish it. We've all got plenty to keep us busy...too busy.

Life's too short. Go do what you enjoy!

Publishing, per se, shouldn't be equated with suffering. When I get sick, though, it tends to act as an interest killer, and not just for the magazine. Then, I begin to drift.

Getting back to it seems to be a long slow boat ride to China.

There's other things that impact it, too. I did renew the domain name for this website recently, so I suspect that I'm not quite done with all things PBM-related - not yet, anyway. The problem isn't PBM. The problem is me. I've tried replacing me, before, but even that didn't work out. Part of it probably just comes with age. Personal life tends to take priority, and there's no real way around that, simply because I won't allow there to be. Also, I sometimes feel as though I am fighting the wind. There is still much resistance within the industry to change, and even beyond that, people in the industry have others things, other priorities, and there's a cumulative effect to it all, I suppose. Not trying to point the finger of blame so much as just trying to give a degree of insight.

It isn't hard to reignite my spark of interest, where play by mail is concerned. The hard part lies in maintaining momentum, once a spark occurs. I just figure that there's got to be a better way, and while there are numerous individual things - individual concepts - that I think have panned out, some key ingredient is still missing. There's a gap, a void, and I honestly don't know if I can fill it.

The whole publication process reminds me of a roller coaster ride. Lots of twists and turns and ups and downs. Somehow or other, though, I manage to keep steering the ride off the tracks. There has to be a better way. Obviously, staying focused and keeping one's head out of one's ass has all of the makings of a good start, but while there is certainly some interest in the magazine being published on the part of our readership, it seems to come more from people that I don't know and have never interacted with than with people already in established PBM circles playing currently. That latter part is neither here nor there, and I could simply be reading the signs all wrong. Maybe I simply haven't been patient enough, or maybe with all of the lurching from publishing to not publishing, the clock keeps getting reset back to zero, which doesn't allow much in the way of real progress to be made.

These days, everyone's on their phones, it seems. Maybe a PDF magazine was the wrong route to go. I don't even use a smart phone, so maybe I have fallen off the techno bridge and am simply behind the times too much to make the magazine relevant. Or maybe it's just me that isn't relevant, and it has nothing to do with the magazine, at all.

Maybe the magazine is simply too slow paced. The slowest part of the equation is me, though. I'm not looking for sympathy nor praise. Feel free to offer up some guidance - or even some criticism. These days, if the magazine doesn't publish, or any magazine for that matter, what of it? I am still inclined to think that having a PBM magazine of some kind out there is beneficial to play by mail as a whole. It doesn't have to be Suspense & Decision, though, but there isn't really another one around currently, unless I'm in the dark on that. But, that's a separate issue from whether people need - or even want - a PBM magazine in the first place.

Having a PBM magazine in PDF format allows for people to print a copy and pass it along to someone who isn't really into the online realm, but realistically speaking, an awful lot of people are online, now. No one passes it out at conventions, even when it does publish. Most PBM companies don't even mention it on their websites. Some do, some don't. Of course, PBM company websites are exactly enduring blistering site visitation rates, as far as I am aware, so does that aspect of the whole raising awareness mantra even really matter?

When others lose interest, it probably negatively impacts my own interest, and when I lose interest, it probably negatively impacts other people's interest. It's not PBM in which I lose interest, though. It's various things associated with the magazine that my interest wanes in, at times. And trying to even play in a PBM game - the amount of time in a day has never changed, and yet if I try to play in games, it cuts into my free time available to tinkering with publication duties. But, playing some PBM games seems to me to be the most likely way for me to cause my own interest in the hobby to surge.

The magazine is an extension of my hobby interest in play by mail gaming. There really isn't any likely way for me to make it more than that - and that, I think, is a crucial matter. Yet, publishing a magazine about PBM gaming while continually fore going playing in any PBM games really makes me question my sanity, at times.

Or maybe I'm not fully persuaded that the magazine is making a real difference. Am I clueless, in this regard?

Somebody out there clue me in, or cuss me out, or give me some guidance, or digitally assess things and point me in the right direction.

If we've all got plenty to keep us busy - too busy, then why publish? If the magazine has helped PBM or PBeM gaming, then tell me how it has helped. If you will be saddened by Suspense & Decision's departure, then tell me why that is so.

Enlighten me.

Hi Grim,

I'm not one who is full of wisdom, or sage advice, but I am mostly saddened by the passing of a project that once brought you joy but no longer does.

I enjoyed the opportunity to write a few articles for the publication and I enjoyed reading the general ramblings of others that enjoy the past time.

It's not madness, at least I hope not, that you perform a task for a gaming genre you love while not playing any of the games.  I love games of all sorts, but I haven't played a computer/video game in the last two years (if not more) because I'm completely consumed by building Cohorts.

The best piece of wisdom I have is find the things in life that bring you joy - and pursue those things with everything you have.

Cheers,

Paul

Angerak...Cohorts? Is this a reference to a PBeM game?

Grim,
I am aware of many active PBeM games because of the articles/ads in S & D. When the time comes for me to join another PBeM, I will refer to the back (and hopefully, future) issues of S&D for guidance.

[quote='Bozimus' pid='136385' dateline='1500342409']
Angerak...Cohorts?  Is this a reference to a PBeM game?
[/quote]

Yes (and no). Cohorts is the game that I've been working on for a very long time.  For the last 2 years, I've been working on it full time.

It is, at its roots, a PBeM game but it's current incarnation is a standalone game.  The multiplayer/PBeM versions will follow shortly thereafter.

The game is in Alpha Test right now.  I'm expecting it to be in Beta before the end of September.  You can see some of the details about the game in my Facebook group called "Cohorts Game System".

[quote='Angerak' pid='136387' dateline='1500372037']

Yes (and no). Cohorts is the game that I've been working on for a very long time.  For the last 2 years, I've been working on it full time.

It is, at its roots, a PBeM game but it's current incarnation is a standalone game.  The multiplayer/PBeM versions will follow shortly thereafter.

The game is in Alpha Test right now.  I'm expecting it to be in Beta before the end of September.  You can see some of the details about the game in my Facebook group called "Cohorts Game System".
[/quote]

Paul,
"Cohorts" looks very interesting...

[quote='Bozimus' pid='136388' dateline='1500383224']
"Cohorts" looks very interesting...
[/quote]

Thank you very much.  I'm very excited about getting it out to the public.  I've received some very positive feedback on the game's design, even in it's current state of readiness.

Hey Grim,

Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while, but I've enjoyed reading your newsletters. I'd say just take as long of a break as you need and enjoy yourself. You don't owe anyone anything and I appreciate what you've done up to this point.

Hatch

Charles, I think you've been doing a wonderful job, even with your occasional absences!  Your support of the PBM industry is needed and appreciated.  I've long wished that I'd been able to contribute more to the preservation of the PBM genre, and S&D in particular, but life just doesn't allow me that luxury.  I've contributed to S&D as much as I'm able (and I'll try to send you another article if you'll be publishing another issue), but there's little more I can manage at this time.

Still, the magazine remains important for me as well as other people -- don't just assume that nobody cares.  Just because I haven't complained when it takes a break, that's out of concern for you rather than because I don't want to see more of it.  I always want to see more of it, both as a reader and as a game company.  (Besides, how else am I going to advertise if I don't have S&D??)

Even though the PBM industry is a bare breath of what it once was, those of us still in the field really need a place to congregate and share and promote the available games.  S&D and the forum are really the only options we've got.  I, for one, don't want to see PBM slide down to extinction for lack of our ability to connect, even though we live in the age of the Internet.

Of course you need to attend to your own health and interests first, but if those interests continue to run along PBM lines then I think that the web site and/or magazine could still make good adjuncts to those interests.  Of course, time is required for that, as we've all discussed at length before, so if you just don't have time then nobody can manufacture any extra for you.

No one asks for or expects certainty, in anything.  The best that each of us can do is just taking that one more step, and one more again, until our feet fail to move.  Often, we find ourselves strolling down that path after taking that "next step" again and again, even though there will certainly be mudholes to be circumvented along the way.  Life and progress is never easy, but we can decide to deal with it anyway if that's what we really want.  It's only a chore if you don't want to do it, but it will always be a roller coaster ride one way or the other and that can be thrilling as well as frightening.

It's obvious from your posts that you're in a sad place, and such places are always difficult to escape from.  But if escape does occur eventually (and it often does, over time), you may then regret any irreversible decisions that were made while you were so down.  Perhaps it's best to just leave the status "quo" until such time as you feel like doing something pro-active again (even if it's in the opposite direction) rather than just "giving up"?

Maybe it would help if you could concentrate on just playing a little -- just one game to ignite that spark again.  Perhaps that would revive your enjoyment of gaming, at least, and possibilities might grow from that.  I know that I have a similar reaction.  I go for long periods without making time to play myself, but when someone talks me into spending that time for another round I really enjoy myself and get excited about it all again and get very disappointed whenever it is interrupted.

BTW, mirrors aren't any fun to stare into.  It usually works out better to be looking outward than inward.  Try a window, instead.

Here's hoping you can keep your spirit alive, whatever you do with it, and that we all have a way we can share our hobby with one another as well.

Charles,

I must admit that I've not been as active here as I would have liked. I've been in library school in addition to working a full-time job. I certainly understand how difficult it is to get a 'zine out -- I've been struggling to get the first issue of my (single-authored) print SF games 'zine out for a while.

Have you considered:

• reducing the frequency of scheduled publication? I think that every other month, quarterly, or even semi-annually would be more than acceptable to most of your readers.
• reducing the page? I'm not surprised that you find getting S&D out the door a strain. Each issue is MASSIVE. Again, I suspect that even if each issue were to weigh in at half the page count (or even a quarter), your readers would be delighted to see it continue.

I have enjoyed S&D very much. Thank you so much for putting it together, over the last few years.

As for actually playing PBMs and PBeMs: Although I'm only playing one PB(e)M game currently (FBI's Rift Lords), I have tried Phoenix: Beyond the Stellar Empire, and there are a couple of games that I'm on the edge of trying (now that my schedule's freed up a bit) that I don't think that I'd have encountered without S&D.

I'm in the RL-2 game (turns every two weeks) which I've found pretty manageable. The pace of PBtSE was a little too much for me (especially taking into account the in-character message board activity -- the community is supportive and friendly, however). The other games that I might join have weekly or every other week schedules.

Incidentally, now that I have more some free time, I've started "fan" writing more frequently. I'm finally working on finishing my SF games 'zine (which has a PBM column) and have started writing a contribution for Alarums & Excursions.

If you'd be interested in my reflections on my personal PBM/ PBeM journey and what S&D has meant to me for your next issue, let me know and gimme a deadline.

Grim!

Your singular achievement -- Suspense & Decision and this site -- has echoed across time and space in ways you can't possibly know. Your crabby enthusiasm and furious determination drove a herd of moribund cats across the prairie for the first time in a millennium. For the first time in ages, it was possible to know that a PBM space still *exists*. We could reprise some of the finest memories of our youth by tearing into a new issue of The Magazine That Demanded To Be Read the very instant it came into our grubby paws. I felt that way when I first subscribed to The Dragon, back in the late 70s. And in The Dragon I came across an article on Tribes of Crane, along with a host of cryptic ads for some mysterious and unfathomable games. The same eager anticipation accompanied each turn in every PBM game I then joined -- and in each turn I personally processed in my own single attempt at being a moderator.

I went on to compose a few issues of a tiny zine for my personal gaming buddies -- Super Stud. The greatest of our gaming glory days were already behind us, but I wanted to do something to help maintain our little crowd as we all moved on into jobs, apartments, wives, and children. I still have a handful of old Super Studs in my archive. My tiny little subscriber base and the fact that we drifted out of regular gaming anyway does nothing to diminish the warm glow I get whenever I take a peek at them -- a sense of pride in creation, warm memories of friendships and high amusement, and the community of people who knew me and liked what I liked.

Seeing S&D enter publication was something like finding out that your favorite band from your college days had just come out with a new album, that the album did not suck, and that in fact the songs, the album, and the band still rocked. Hard.

Under the morbid glare of mostly-solo computer gaming, I hadn't really written anything game-related after college until S&D. Your efforts inspired me to contribute. There have been others erecting blogs or small fan-sites for what ghosts of PBM still remained. But most were flat and quickly aborted. What you did was *execute*. You made a plan, you drove yourself to get it done, and you created something big and meaningful for our curious hobby. Indeed, S&D has already taken its rightful place next to the other giants of PBM periodicals, like Flagship, Nuts & Bolts, and Gaming Universal. Every issue is a collector's rare lucky find.

It's been taking me a while, but I have been putting together my own zine project (having first previewed the idea here on this forum some time ago). I've been focused on the higher conceptual context and operational framework, but have recently started drafting "actual content" for the inaugural issue of PROG. It will mirror S&D's online PDF format -- a print magazine for a digital age -- because I see the benefits of giving things the pulse of regular deadlines. You showed us that. Having a loose, unmoderated forum can help a community, but it doesn't do much in terms of good quality content. Having a publishing event means that all the content within has gone through a number of gatekeepers, putting it all well above most forum posts or blog entries.

And a magazine format provides a common watering hole where the entire community can gather and mingle. The articles are red meat for the fans, to be sure, but for readers there is value not just in reading the articles, but in knowing what everyone else is reading.

I've had my writing-moments. I've also had dry spells and periods where I was either too busy or too drained by other responsibilities to muster up the energy to push anything new out. I can do better, and indeed the older I get the more I feel like I MUST get back into the thick of it. When we *create* something -- a magazine, a game, a band, or a cub scout campfire skit -- that's when our human spirit really truly lights up. These PBM games are small in the big picture of our lives, and our passion for them can well and truly be called silly. But the enthusiasm we share for them and the buzz we get from playing, reading, and writing -- these are all valid, important, and not at all trivial.

So thank you, Charles, for your magnificent magazine, for the memories it has created, and for the future it has inspired. Really, thanks.

OK, so I sent out a mailer, today, an e-mail to PlayByMail.Net forum users. As usual, this e-mail contains some typos. Notable ones include:

1. Or you may just be one of those who just plain doesn't count.

. . .should be. . .

Or you may just be one of those who just plain doesn't care.

2.  And as is so often the case, hope blooms anew because it some of you out there are the ones sowing it with your words and your deeds and your perseverence. 

. . .should be. . .

 And as is so often the case, hope blooms anew, because it is some of you out there that are the ones sowing it with your words and your deeds and your perseverance.

So, what we are looking at, going forward from this point in time?

Some semblance of regularity in e-mail mailings from myself to registered forum users, replete with ramblings and links, some semblance of regularity in forum postings by myself (and hopefully, others as well), and some semblance of regularity in the publication of Suspense & Decision magazine. Specific dates will take a back seat to regularity.

For the magazine, once Issue #17 is behind us (Issue #17 is the next issue, the one that is pending, right now), the rule of thumb that I will try to go by will be that each subsequent issue will encompass three articles written by others (not counting anything that I contribute, which will vary from issue to issue as my whim and my desires dictates). The fourth and subsequent articles submitted by others will be used to fill the pages of future issues. The Rule of Three will facilitate regularity in the publication of future issues. That's as the Eye of Charles sees things, currently, at this particular instant in time. I won't be aiming for more than three articles per issue, authored by other individuals. One point of focus will be to grow the issue count, at the expense of article-per-issue count.

The immediate goal will be to have Issue #17 out the door and in the hands of our magazine's readership by the end of the current month (July 2017) or by the first day of the next month (August 1st). Either date will serve the basic purpose, I think.

One area that I could use some help with would be with getting the word out, when each new issue publishes. In layman's terms and in plain English, what that means is that I will need a few people willing to commit to posting in select forums across the Internet, so that non-PlayByMail.Net-forum members will be able to gain awareness of the fact that a new issue has recently published. This will save me some time that I can reallocate to other tasks, and it will also inject the benefit of participation by third parties into the equation. I ask each of you to consider a willingness to participate in this small measure. A little effort by you, in this regard, will go a long way, I think, to keeping me fully participating in rolling the whole big ball of PBM wax along.

Think it over, and feel free to post feedback, here.

[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136393' dateline='1500475395']
If you'd be interested in my reflections on my personal PBM/ PBeM journey and what S&D has meant to me for your next issue, let me know and gimme a deadline.
[/quote]

Interested. Send it, just as soon as you finish it. That's your deadline. We'll include it in Issue #17 or Issue #18.

[quote='GrimFinger' pid='136402' dateline='1500811936']
[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136393' dateline='1500475395']
If you'd be interested in my reflections on my personal PBM/ PBeM journey and what S&D has meant to me for your next issue, let me know and gimme a deadline.
[/quote]

Interested. Send it, just as soon as you finish it. That's your deadline. We'll include it in Issue #17 or Issue #18.
[/quote]

On it, boss.

(Quick questions: Preferred formats for submissions? I seem to be unable to find guidelines. Also: non-USAian spellings OK? I can go with standard American English rather UK English, if you'd prefer. )

[quote='GrimFinger' pid='136398' dateline='1500657762']
The immediate goal will be to have Issue #17 out the door and in the hands of our magazine's readership by the end of the current month (July 2017) or by the first day of the next month (August 1st). Either date will serve the basic purpose, I think.
[/quote]

Well, we didn't make that goal, either - but, at least the ball is moving down the production track, again.

Slow and steady wins the race. I think the trick is to do something as often as you can.

[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136443' dateline='1502115383']
Slow and steady wins the race. I think the trick is to do something as often as you can.
[/quote]

Define "can."

Well, I've found that I can get a couple of hours in before I go to work in the morning. It's how I got the dread diss done (years ago, now) and a couple of other things. And it's how I got through library school recently.

Yes, I am behind on my own 'zine project. Why do you ask? (Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have umpteen other things on the go as well. I'm writing for Alarums & Excursions. And I need to edit the 3k words I have for a S&D piece.)

And some times just don't work for me. Writing/ editing in the evening? Not gonna happen. (Unless for it's for an occasional hard deadline).

Which is all meant to say: "You'll get there."

[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136448' dateline='1502189712']
And I need to edit the 3k words I have for a S&D piece.)
[/quote]

Change of plans, here. I'm going to split this into two articles. I think that 3k words of my rambling might try the patience of even the most resolute S&D reader. ;)

[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136473' dateline='1502296661']
[quote='Participant-Observer' pid='136448' dateline='1502189712']
And I need to edit the 3k words I have for a S&D piece.)
[/quote]

Change of plans, here. I'm going to split this into two articles. I think that 3k words of my rambling might try the patience of even the most resolute S&D reader. ;)
[/quote]

Looking forward to it!